Are There Rules For Sex Within Marriage?

Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.

Those lyrics came to me when I was working on this post. I'm sure you would agree that the spirit of the Lord should be present in our lives every day. He leads and guides us as we navigate life. But do you believe that the spirit of the Lord is in your bedroom?

We've discussed God's opinion on sex and it's a highly favorable one and if you've followed along in this series, you know the things God says “no” to in the bedroom. His no's are amazingly cut and dry so one would think God's list of yes' is just as straight forward.

One would be wrong.

God has not given the married couple a checklist of things they are allowed to do. Instead, He has given us guiding principles. The key to understanding what God allows in the bedroom is spending time with Him outside the bedroom.

When I tell my son that it is bed time he knows what that means. Brush teeth, pick out books, read, say prayers, sing songs, snuggle, lights out. Even when he was four, he knew what to expect because we consistently practice this routine. He's been under these guidelines long enough to know what to expect.

When we spend time with our Father we know what will know what He expects of us. This includes our sexual relationship with our husbands. You need wisdom. Wisdom doesn't come from reading romance novels, self-help books or watching daytime television. Wisdom comes from connecting with God.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
~ James 1:5

Only through connection with our Abba Father can we gain wisdom and because there is no list of Do's for our sexual intimacy. We need wisdom to know what is right for us in our marriage.

Evaluating Our Sexual Do's

When evaluating our sexual do's list rather than a checkbox of permissible things we see a check-box of questions that will lead us to the answer for our marriage.

Does God Say No? – Refer back to the things God says no to. If it isn't on that list it passes test number one.
Is it Good for Us? – Does this thing cause physical harm or emotional pain? Could it cause one of you to stumble in your walk with the Lord? If you can answer yes to any of these then steer clear of it.
Is it Only Us? – We must keep our marriage bed pure. You and your spouse, along with the presence of God should be the only ones in the room physically, spiritually, emotionally, verbally and mentally.

Question one is straight forward so let's dig into two and three a bit more.

Is it Good for Us?

Dressing up for your husband is not a bad thing to do. If you like to wear cute, sexy outfits in the bedroom that's okay however if your husband struggled with viewing pornography or going to strip clubs you must be sure this in-the-bedroom-act is not going to cause him to fall. This is why communication outside the bedroom is so important. You need to be able to discuss the things you both like and evaluate them together.

Is it Only Us?

A three-some is obviously not “only us” but what about the use of sexual aides like vibrators, movies or audio? I once heard a woman ask if it was okay to listen to an audio of others having sex because it turned her on. This brings someone else into the bedroom. The chances of you focusing solely on your spouse when your listening to another couple have sex are slim.

A common question that falls into the “only us” category is sex toys. You can read a balanced perspective on them in this post.

Outside the Comfort Zone

Sometimes what your spouse proposes might be outside your comfort zone. If he wants to try a new position, make love on the living room floor (or the kitchen table) before you say no you need to evaluate if your no is based on feelings or facts (as in Truth). If his suggestion is simply new and a bit scary, your no may be based only on feelings. But if it fails the test of Truth that we just discussed then this is a matter of going past what is biblically right. Bringing a third person into the bedroom is different than using a feather to tickle each other. Watching porn is different than talking to one another about what you want to do to each other.

Often we're too quick to say no and that can lead to bitterness or feelings of defeat or rejection. Before you throw the baby out with the bathwater, evaluate the suggestion and if it's not morally wrong for you, give it a try. You may find you thoroughly enjoy it!

God has given you permission to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband.