Have you ever felt so dirty, so worthless, so repugnant that it makes you want to throw up?
Shortly after feeling so close to my husband, so connected the waves of guilt and shame would wash over me like boiling lava. Only my pillow would see the tears or run quickly to the bathroom in an attempt to hide my puffy eyes. I was married. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Sex with my husband was supposed to be good and pure and right.
Yet the bed we shared we did not share alone. Images, thoughts, feelings and emotions from my past haunted every corner of the room as I bared my duty as wife. I hated sex, not because of sex itself but because of the dead carcass of my past that rose up again and again every time I had sex. It got so bad my husband thought I was having an affair.
My past haunted me and initially, I didn't even realize it.
Perhaps you too are haunted by images, feelings, smells and thoughts from your past. There is hope sister. You do not need to live in the lies of your past. You cannot undo what was done to you, nor can you make others change but you'll be surprised at how Christ can change you when you open yourself up to the healing He has for you.
Sadly, the church is largely silent about the struggles women face. Many women struggle silently behind closed doors. When it's pornography, molestation, infidelity or another sexual struggles there are few safe circles to discuss struggles and many women feel alone, when in fact, they are not.
I encourage you to pick up a copy of the new book by Dr. Juli Slattery and Linda Dillow, Surprised By The Healer, Embracing Hope For Your Broken Story. The book highlights 9 brave women who share their story of healing. n addition to their inspiring stories you'll find biblical truth to help you through your healing journey. The back of the book holds a 10-week Bible Study.
Like all of the books, Slattery and Dillow have penned, Surprised By The Healer holds truth wrapped in grace and love.
Experiencing A Truth Relationship With Christ
The theme woven through each of the nine stories in this book is the underlying relationship with Christ that opens the door to healing, grace and strength to endure. Here's a quote:
“Unfortunately, many people believe they know Jesus because they've heard Him described and explained. Yet they have never had a life-changing encounter with the Lord.
When Jesus walked on this earth, He was daily among crowds of people, teaching and extending mercy. We know from Scripture that many people were healed and others become His followers. Yet not everyone who was in the same physical space as Jesus was spiritually impacted by His presence…….People can be exposed to Jesus but not be changed by Him…….It's not enough to have a polite relationship with Jesus Christ. His healing power comes when we allow HIs presence to invade our lives.“ ~ Surprised By The Healer, pp 114, 115 (emphasis mine)
That my sister is the key, allowing Christ to invade our lives. This invasion requires us to lay down that which we are holding onto and struggling with. It means surrendering our past to Him and putting our future in His hands. It means daily walking with Him as we process life and work through our fears and anxieties.
Our pastor illustrated a point during a recent sermon by saying this: “Do you lay awake at night worrying about making the next mortgage payment when the house is paid off? Of course not! It's been paid, the house is yours and you are free from making additional payments.”
The same is true for you. Christ died for all of your sins. Every. One. He has forgiven you and you can forgive yourself. Your past no longer needs to define you in our mind because in reality your past does not define you. You are a new creation in Christ. It does not matter what you have experienced.
It doesn't matter if you could have made a better decision, should have said no, should have told some….whatever the case is. What matters is that the Healer is calling you to freedom but you must let go of the guilty sentence you've placed on yourself. Once you've accepted Christ as your savior you are no long guilty. Your stains have been washed away. The price has been paid, the house is yours!
I encourage you to check out Surprised By The Healer as well as the other resources below. Also, be sure to join my private Facebook Group, BSB with Danielle T where you're free to ask questions, seek prayer and find resources to help you in your journey toward understanding God's design for sex, love and intimacy.