Today my blogging colleague Dakota from The Christian Guy's Life is with us sharing about creating a wife list. Don't dismiss this post if you're a woman! If you've got sons this information is beneficial to you too. Dakota writes to the men but this is certainly something we moms need to think about as our boys approach adulthood.
Guys, I know lists are not our thing. Half the time we go to the store with a list and we still forget something. It is kind of like an instruction book; it is there, you know there is good information in it, but you also know that information is for other guys. Surely, you don’t need to read those. You are just putting together a bookshelf or table or jungle gym or Boeing 747. Instructions are for sissies, right?
How often do we go back to those directions after our first failure or two (or three or four)? How often do we take a list to the store and leave with most of what we needed? Instructions and lists are pretty helpful whether we like it or not. We may not want to admit it but when no one is looking we consult these little, annoying pieces of paper.
After looking over Danielle’s article about creating a husband list , I realized that most of us guys have probably already made a mental “wife list”. We probably should write it down, gentlemen.
So, what exactly goes on a “wife list”? Well, the wife list is a list of your non-negotiable, deal breakers in a relationship. The things that, if a woman doesn’t possess them, you will walk away over. This list will consist of personal preferences (Guys, I am not talking about your preference in hair color, OK?) and biblical concepts. While making a wife list you need to pray and seek God’s Will in His Word.
Looking To the Word
A wonderful place to start is Proverbs 31 (Shameless plug to my home site where I did an unofficial series on Proverbs 31 women). This passage tells us a lot about what we should look for in a woman and has some great wisdom for us guys who are looking (for example, “Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30).
From studying that passage you could learn the following and more about what a Godly wife should be:
- She is virtuous- Proverbs 31:10
- She is trustworthy- Proverbs 31:11
- She does good to her husband- Proverbs 31:12
- She is industrious- Proverbs 31:13, 14, 16
- She is not lazy- Proverbs 31:13, 14, 15, 18, 19
There is much more in that passage, gentlemen, check it out! (Oh, Titus 2 has some good stuff, too.)
Now, a wife list should also consist of things specific to you and your life calling. For example, one item on my wife list is that any prospective spouse needs to want to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. I feel like that is how God is telling me to lead my family so I have to find a woman who fits into that plan. Remember, you are looking for a best friend, life partner, and ministry partner! You need to make sure your wife list reflects that!
Your Calling and Your Desires
So, based on that, if you feel called to be a preacher, you should add to your wife list that she must be willing to be a preacher’s wife and fulfill all of the responsibilities that come with that. There will be some overlap here between the Biblical standards for all wives and the standards specific to your calling, most likely, but it is still a separate thing.
Finally, your wife list should consist of some purely personal preferences. I will use myself as an example again; I am a very touchy feely person. I like to hold hands and hug and sit close and cuddle. Taking that into consideration, I am looking for a woman who shows physical affection well. Basically, a woman who won’t get annoyed with me wanting to hold her hand all the time and sit as close to her as possible. Check out these books to gain more insight into your language of love.
I cannot give you a Bible verse that says that all women should be like that because there isn’t one! It is purely personal preference based on what I know I need (and how I know I will annoy my future wife if she isn’t into the same thing). Guys, read this next bit carefully, OK? There is nothing wrong with looking for certain qualities in a woman based on personal preference! You are going to live with this woman the rest of your life! Make sure she goes beyond just being on point Biblically and make sure you really like her and are attracted to her physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
Now, let’s say you finished your “wife list”. It is finished, printed, and in your hand right now. What do you do with it? Well, it is really for your own use. It is to help you remember what you are waiting for (we all know that common sense flies out the window for most guys when a woman is involved). However, if you want to get the most out of your list consider sharing it with your close advisors!
For many of us, our closest advisors are our parents (though it could be a pastor, an older couple you trust, anyone with the wisdom to be a good advisor). Sharing this list with your advisors will allow them to give you the counsel you need. They can’t help you if they don’t know what you are looking for! Plus, they can pull your head out of the clouds if you get lost (I know I am not the only one that needs this…).
Alright, brief recap: Guys, lists are good and we are not too macho for them. Your wife list should be based on Biblical qualities, life calling compatibility, and personal attraction! After you make this list you should share it! Now, go start studying and writing!
P.S. I probably should have mentioned this earlier but it is never too early or late to start on this list! If you are single and looking this list can be a great help to you! Sure, if you start it while you are super young it may change some but that is OK! At least, have one started!
Parents: This is also something you can start with your son (or daughter) as they begin to mature. Don't wait until they are dating or interested in someone. Instead, talk to them about the godly characteristics a woman (or man) should possess and what they would like to see in a spouse. These lists can by dynamic – they can change over time as your child matures but it never a bad idea to start the conversation in the teen years.