Should Christians use sex toys? The question came to me from a reader who is unsure of how to feel about the use of sex toys between married couples. This is another topic often skirted past by women's ministry leaders, pastors, and bloggers but it is a valid and important question to explore.
Much like self-pleasuring, using sex toys is a complex concept that isn't spelled out in the Bible. If we looked at scripture and found, “Thou shall not use vibrators, rings, cuffs or other sex toys” we'd be in good shape. The Bible, although eternally truthful, was not written in the 21st century, but long before battery-operated anything was even a concept.
But, sex toys, namely dildos, date further back than you might suspect. Dildos have been found in ancient civilizations such as Greece, Rome, and parts of China. They were used as medical aides, self-pleasuring tools and yes, for religious ceremonies.
Yeah.
And, odd as it sounds, the fifth patented electrical home appliances was….the vibrator in 1902 produced by Hamiton Beach.
Woah. (I found myself saying that often when doing some research on this.)
You see, back in the day women went to the doctor for vulvar stimulation which had nothing to do with sex but with curing so-called “female hysteria.” The stimulation resulted in orgasm which, as you probably know, took time and well, that was some doctors didn't have much of. So an electrical device was created in 1883 to help these doctors get their job done more efficiently. (Woah, again)
Why History Is Important
You might think that little history lesson doesn't answer the question at hand, should Christians use sex toys, but I think it gives us a glimpse into something bigger. We are familiar with Sodom and Gomorrah but then our timeline flashes forward past June Clever to the sexual revolution. The truth is, through the fire of feminism, distorted sexual pleasure, and medicine the bond of sexual intimacy between man and woman has been under attack for centuries.
The Sexual Intimacy Triangle
As we seek to answer the question of Christians using sex toys we need to remember the larger picture: sexual intimacy was designed to be shared between one man and one woman. Not one man and a vibrator ring or one woman and a dildo.
Biblical sexual intimacy has three main facets: physical, emotional and spiritual. When these three come together in the marriage bed (or on the marriage couch, or marriage back porch) we experience a holy and pure intimacy found nowhere else.
When we separate these three facets we bastardize the God-designed plan. But when we stay inside this triangle of sexual intimacy we're actually free to enjoy foreplay, flirting, and sex with our spouse in many different ways.
Should Christians Use Sex Toys?
There is no one clear answer. Whenever I'm faced with a question like this I hold it up to the 3-question test. I can't take credit for these questions, Juli Slattery speaks of them in her women's study, Passion Pursuit and discusses them at her seminars as well. The questions help you walk through any sexual scenario or question you have. They are:
- Does the Bible say no?
- Is it good for my spouse and I?
- Is it only us?
So in the case of using a sex toy – let's say a vibrator, a quick flip through scripture doesn't yield us the aforementioned, “Thou shalt not use sex toys” scripture. You can read about what God does expressly say no to in this post.
Question two is tricky. It actually brings up more questions that we must deal with. When we talk about something being good for us we aren't talking about pleasurable. The reference for this is 1 Corinthians 10:23, 24:
Everything is permissible,” but not everything is helpful. “Everything is permissible,” but not everything builds up. No one should seek his own good, but the good of the other person. (HCSB)
The King James reads:
All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not. Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth.
These are important verses when we talk about what is good for us in the area of sexual pleasure. The word expedient, sumpherō in the Greek, means to bear together, contribute, conduce, advantage. And the word edify, oikodomeō in the Gree, means to build, construct, embolden.
The use of sex toys in a marriage must be something that is beneficial for both spouses and be something that would build up the other spouse, be non-habit forming, and help to bring about (conduce) a part of the love triangle we discussed earlier.
If the idea of using a sex toys is for solitary self-pleasure I caution you to pray about how conducive it is in bringing you closer to emotional, spiritual or physical intimacy with your spouse. On the other hand, if husband and wife are using sex toys as a way to enhance their time together and there's no dependence on the toys for orgasm then this is something they could be considered beneficial.
I lay out two scenarios in this post that you'll want to consider.
Is it Only Us?
Sex and intimacy are reserved for one man and one woman in a marriage covenant. So when we bring in sex toys are we bringing in another to our marriage bed? That depends. Vibrators are certainly not another person yet if there's a dependency as we mentioned above, it can detract from your partner and take the focus off intimacy them.
Dependance Vs Addiction
There's the notion among conservatives that sex toys lead to addiction. Addiction is a scary thing, especially when we consider the ripple effects of misfortune when it comes to an addiction such as pornography, drugs or gambling. Addiction, as defined by Webster is:
-
a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)
-
an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something
Harmful use of sex toys would mean it is interfering with regular life like needing to use your vibrator in the grocery store restroom or not being able to get ready for your day without masturbating with your vibrator. What most people are afraid of is not an addiction to sex toys but rather a dependency on them meaning they cannot orgasm or enjoy sex without them.
Dependency can mean the state of addiction but it also means the state of needing something or someone else for support, help, etc. Dependency on sex toys for that physical orgasm makes sex all about the Big O and less about the intimacy. And when sex is all about the big “O”, we miss what God intended.
There's little evidence, even in secular circles, that shows sex toy addiction but there are many reports of dependency which is often championed by the world as empowering. The ability to reach ultimate sexual pleasure without a man is a feminist nod.
If you're using sex toys in your marriage, this is something to prayerfully watch out for. What might start as enhancing pleasure for one partner could emotionally hard the other.
Final Thoughts
If you're still unsure if you should be using sex toys, good.
Using sex toys is not something I can answer for you, nor can anyone else. This is something that must be prayerfully considered with your spouse. One thing I can say with certainty, if you are using sex toys without your spouse's knowledge it is wrong.
There's a total lack of intimacy and honesty which is not healthy for your marriage. Enjoying sex, taking some risks and stepping outside your comfort zone are not bad things. Since God does not expressly object, it's up to you and your spouse.
If one of you feels it is morally wrong, then I suggest not using them. But if you are in agreement, your sexual communication is thriving, there is emotional and spiritual intimacy than give them a try if you'd like.
We cannot shun physical pleasure as Christians,but we must guard physical pleasure with emotional and spiritual intimacy. The world has lost focus and tossed the spiritual and emotional pieces to the curb. We know better, so we do better. We can have better sex than the world by keeping our “love triangle” intact.
I love your balanced approach and willingness to address taboo topics. The Christian community needs more of it!
I use to use a vibrator many years ago. But I began to feel it took away from sex with my husband. So I stopped using it. But I have a hard time climaxing. It has always been difficult for me. I usually need to assist. It is very rare that I don’t. Is that wrong?
Thanks for commenting TJ, and being so honest! First let me say this, “Wrong,” no. Common problem, yes. You’re not alone in this TJ. It’s often easier for a woman to know that sweet spot so I’d pose the question to you, does your husband know your sweet spot? He’s probably aware that you’re assisting (I hope) but does he realize that if he would hit the right buzzer he could help you achieve orgasm. Also, consider what is going on between you and your husband outside the bedroom. Intimacy, connection, and orgasm (with your spouse) are closely related and if there are serious underlying issues outside the bedroom it can be a block.
PLease what happens to the wife if her husband is a notorious cheat that sleeps with minimum of two different girls in a week for over 25years of their marriage. She doesn’t want to offend God and doesn’t want to divorce him. She has prayed for over 26years and has been bitter because she has contracts infection each time she has sex with her husband. He has refused to use condoms with her.. She has engaged priests to pray for him also but yet he gets worst. She had told her husband about vibrators, but he doesn’t care.. He is worst since he became richer financially. Sometimes she sleeps with more than 1 girls at a time. She still shares a bed with him but no sex and they don’t touch other for 2 years. She is very sad. What is your advise?
My advice is to divorce him. He is not going to change until he is repentant in the meantime her health, safety, and physical and mental wellbeing are pruprosely being jeopardized at the hands of the man vowed to protect, love, and honor her.
This is an excellent and thought-provoking article. I really like the way you go back to scripture and how you require the reader to be honest with herself.
Thanks Rebecca!
We recently added a couple toys into our bedroom after much discussion and prayer with these boundaries: 1. Its something we are both comfortable trying. 2. They are only used when we are together. 3. They aren’t used every time. 4. Either of us can toss any of the them at any time if we no longer find them benificial for us as a couple.
Amanda, those are great guidelines! I’m proud of you two for discussing this as a couple and coming to a consensus.
Hi Danielle,
I’ve been married for about 6 years but my husband and I hardly ever get intimate, he usually complains about being tired from work. It’s a miracle that I have the two kids we’re blessed with. I really found out out he masturbates sometimes. I am actually sexually frustrated and I’m considering buying a dildo to help relieve some urges. I’ve spoken to him about it and he’s okay with it. I’m just worried it might be a sin since the bible says sex should be between a husband and a wife. My husband is not so willing. Every time I bring up the issue he gets defensive.
P.S we have a very good relationship
Dear sister…. “good” relationship or not, there is obviously something very wrong spiritually and emotionally. You really should seek good, biblical, marriage counselling on this issue. If you’re pleasuring yourself without your husband being a loving participant in some way, then you’re sinning.
Consider the reality that there is a spiritual war going on and demonic entities are seeking every way to destroy us, and our society indicates (as well as all the Scripture) that they love perverting sex. If you give into this, then would you not be giving into them? Yes.
I will pray you both have incredible victory in this. Be blessed!
Great article.
What do you think the Bible says about sex dolls and talking dirty with your spouse?
My wife and I have discussed this numerous times and are both OK with trying it.
But we wanted to get some advice from Christian marriage ppl.
Thanks for your reply
Thanks for this. I find it interesting that women and men can see the dangers of men using pornography but a vibrator gets a pass because the media portrays women as unable to have orgasms via normal healthy sex. Why can’t they see the deception and that it’s all about money ill never understand.
Great article
My husband and I we are in a long distance relationship (marriage),due to that we usually do sexting but recently I have been having thoughts of maybe buying a sex toy for myself and use it when we are both doing our sex talks. I have once tried to raise this up with him but he was not so comfortable talking about this. What I don’t understand is that if he feels comfortable with us both masturbating than why is it a problem for him if I bring in sex toys?
Great article. Am particular excited about the balanced perspective. Thanks God bless you